When correcting someone it is better to approach them in a calm and subtle manner. There are people who feel the need to shout at you as if you are deaf. Even though you were can they really restore your hearing? Some seek out to go and revenge as though doing what you did to them will make you do things right. Then there are those who keep quiet about the issue either to bring it up later or to be destroyed by it. If you were to ask me this is the worst form of punishment there is especially you are being destroyed by it. Firstly it injures the one keeping quiet as there is no way for them to let out what they feel. Secondly, it injures the one who made the mistake. They will spend days wondering what they did and why someone is treating them indifferently. Other bad behavior is when you stand in front of an affected group and say there are some other people in here…. First of all, if it is some … why are you telling us all? Secondly, everyone starts doubting themselves except those who have never committed the offense which is probably no one. The one’s who doubt themselves most are those who probably committed the offense in the recent past. You may be referring to repeat offenders who may not even realize what they do. It is better you approach someone and tell them their mistake and how it is hurting you or others involved. Talk to someone they probably do not realize what they do.
Even the Bible gives us guidelines on making peace with those who offend us in Mathew 18: 25-40
15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over.16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.18 “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.19 “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
Truth be told- our education system does not teach us what is really important in life. Almost all what we are taught can actually be found on the web. The Internet is developing so rapidly that robots will be doing what humans are currently doing yet we are still using the same system our parents used and learning the same things that our grandparents learned.
We live our children to figure things out on their own. Some will argue it is the role of parenting but truth be told children need to learn the facts even as they learn the skills.
However, before we get carried away here are some of the classes we should have sat but didn’t (or that children need to sit).
Most people are wallowing in debt and have poor skills of handling finances whether they have little or much. Some take loans and do not know how to repay them. Some earn a lot of money but are living in poverty. Our parents want us to get high profile jobs so that we don’t have to go through the struggle they went through but the truth is without good financial skills we will be worse of than they ever were in their lifetime. School teaches us we need to be employed- you know study to get a good degree – but we are not taught how to employ. We are taught that we have to tarmac but we are not taught we can be entrepreneurs. We are not taught that wealth is not created by how much we spend but how much we save. For instance here in Kenya, the currency used is the Kenyan shilling. If we compared our currency to the world’s most powerful then our currency is very weak. For instance, 1 US$ is equivalent to KSH 100. In the present day, the price of a liter of fuel is KSH 100. Let me shock you a bit in 1935 the price of a liter of oil was 0.98 cents. See the difference. That is why everything is expensive –because of the inflation in the worth of a shilling. I have seen someone earning forty thousand shillings –they buy shares and stokes and through that, they are able to start their own business. On the other hand, I have seen someone earning 1.5 M shillings but they buy branded clothes, the most expensive car, lives under the rent of 60 000 per month, buys expensive watches and so on. Basically, live an expensive life but live in poverty. The difference between the two is where they invest their money. Therefore there is a really need to teach about personal finances in schools.
SAFETY AND SELF DEFENSE
There are increased cases of insecurity in the world today but people do not know how to keep themselves safe. People are learning from experience instead of learning from the desk. Con men and gangsters are getting new ways to display and exercise their skills by each passing day. You can either 1) shelter yourself from the evil or 2) use skills to combat the evil when it arises. There are situations when you have to comply with the demands of the attackers and there are situations where you need to attack for example in a case of a rape pepper spray and your fists /physical strength may be applicable. Beware of con men because they have mastered their skills and if you have none to combat theirs then you are likely to become a victim.
People get concerned when someone’s head is ailing or in cases where there is a lack of physical health but in a case of mental health such as depression an individual is not given proper care or support. We laugh at anxious people not knowing we are making their situation worse instead of helping them to improve. People need to be educated on the reality of mental health. How to support someone with a mental health illness, how to show empathy and compassion and how to accept the individual as they are as you help them through it. Individuals also need to be taught prevention mechanisms such as how to cope with the hard knocks of life, how to avoid burn out and how to relax.
People need to be taught how to start a conversation and how to sustain one. Most people start a conversation but in the process cannot continue with it. Or start a conversation and do not have speech courtesy. They are inappropriate in what they do and /or say in that conversation. For others, they lack negotiation skills-their deals are vague. The conversation includes networking. Have you been to a place where people do not talk to each other? Technology has ruined us and this brings me to the next point.
HOW TO SURVIVE WITHOUT TECHNOLOGY
Most people are lost in technology. You are sited among a group of people who deserve your attention but your hands are itching for that phone. Our children no longer play with each other but spend the whole day on the television. The laptops are portable and are therefore being carried everywhere even when they are not necessary. Next time you are in a gathering please care about the creation of God that is in his image sited next to you more than your smartphone.
When most people are arrested the first thing they say is – I know my rights… but if you ask them what those rights are high chances they do not know. Ignorance of the law will not keep you out of criminal justice. Ignorance of the law is forbidden. Students should be taught, at a bare minimum, the laws that might have an effect on their lives as they are in school and as they graduate and enter society as fully culpable adults. They should be aware of laws that protect them such as the right to emergency medical care – you should not be forced to pay three hundred thousand to be admitted to hospital or pay for a service by an ambulance so as to receive healthcare.
Repair our sick education system and teach us about life in real.
The bigger conversation to have which most of us never want to have is our mental health. Recently I was watching a song that is based on a true story about a guy who broke up with his girl for cheating on him with a sponsor. However the said lady is said to have suicidal tendencies. The lady thought the song was directed to her but that was not really the intention.
Someone commented about this video and this is what they had to say
“I personally believe that people who try to or commit suicide are generally selfish, no matter what one is going through.”
For the purpose of this blog allow me to call this lady Martha though this is not her real name.
I will copy-paste the conversations as they were on the social platform.
Firstly, Martha’s outburst was unnecessary –she was congratulating musicians for a job well done but ends up talking insensitively.
Secondly Martha’s comments tell us how the society we are in views mental illness.
My reply to her comments on the said issue of suicide being equated to selfishness
“Martha seems you don’t what depression is I hate the way Kenyans despite the fact that mental illness exists.”
As if that was not enough she went ahead to say
“@Lorraine Oh, I know it too well. Most of those that do tend to have thoughts like nobody cares about them…. most of them tend to take the easy way out of whatever they are going through instead of facing it or sharing it with somebody. Whenever help is offered wanaona tu hakuna mtu anaweza wasaidia. (Some don’t even ask for help). Fact is everybody has problems… somebody somewhere is going through far worse as compared to whatever they are going through… It is such a selfish thing for someone to contemplate suicide or even commit suicide (most of them even leave a note)…… It is not like once you are gone, you’ll come back to life. How about the people you leave behind… Watch ’13 reasons why’, it’s a web series.”
My response to her based on the above comment was
“Martha seems you have the knowledge because all you have said is true but you need to understand it is like Cancer it eats up your esteem, your thought process and even your conscience I know about thirteen reasons why that is not enough education ( if it is ). Search for psychology books on how problems develop and you will understand.”
I know by now you must be wondering what Lorraine is talking about.
It is the reality of mental illness. The fact that it exists.
I have spoken with many people who are struggling and later on called me to say ,if it were not for the support you gave me and you being there to listen- honestly I would have taken my life away.
I write articles and poems. Someone once opened up to me about their pain after reading one of my poems and I am glad I am changing lives. All glory to God.
You do not have to have been rescued from death to help someone who is at death point. NO …. All you need to do is listen. Be present in the moment with someone and allow them to shed their tears. Offer the comfort of your presence and provide empathy. This will bring change to their mental health.
Accompany the individual to seek help and walk with them through their journey of healing.
Do not let them do it on their own. Because the more alone they are the more harmful it is for them. Do not just tell them to seek help – lead them to help but DO NOT force. By showing you can be with them they see that in you actions speak louder than words.
However there are few questions that weigh heavily on me where mental illness is concerned
Does society really know about mental illness? (or are we all like Martha)
Do people know what to look out for to determine one is mentally ill?
Do people really know who to contact for help
Does society contribute to the increase in mental illness? (i.e Africans labeling people based on weight does it contribute to eating and feeding disorders)
How can we help people with mental illness as a society?
How can those who are aware such as counselors and psychologists make society aware about mental disorders?
If you realize someone around you has a mental illness. Do not stigmatize but help them to cope. You should be their main social support. Labeling them as selfish is stigma because it shows you do not understand and are not ready to understand their crisis. Being there and listening may be all it takes. It may also assist in the next step which is seeking professional help for their problem.
Meanwhile I will leave you with a hotline if you notice any red flags in your friends and loved ones or if you need someone to talk to call NISKIZE 0900 620 800. Niskize is a 24 hr counseling call center ( which means you can call even at 1a.m or 3a.m when people are asleep and you will still find someone on the line to talk to). They are there to listen and might refer you for one on one therapy.
Writers in this day and age go through a lot in all spheres of where writing is concerned .
here are just but a few
1) They buy many fancy books as they console themselves they will use to write on but a good number of them are barely used.
2) They buy many books intended for the same use – e.g 3 different books to be used for writing daily experiences.
3) They get disturbed if they have not written in a long time.
4) They have an official personal blog and another blog for other purposes.
5) They have many ideas about everything they see.
6) They complain of underpaying gigs.
7) They have that thought that crosses their mind about full-time writing as the chief source of income.
8) They want to be recognized countrywide such as be called to write for drum,Truelove or a local magazine.
9) They have dreams of international recognition for example perform at P4CM ( Passion 4 Christ Movement).
10) Other non understanding citizens complain of their jobs for instance her … she is just a blogger couldn’t she have studied print media or technology.
11) The students being asked to divert their energy to writing related courses yet the same people are against those who write professionally.
12) Being made the secretary in school,work and in other circles as people make the excuse of you like writing so it’s your job now.
13) People giving you non professional work to do for them such as their school projects and reports so that you can do it for them at no cost because of reasons like si you are my friend and words is your thing.
14) Someone giving you a book review to do after whinnying of how much school work you have.
15) Thinking of projects you can do with other writers but you find out in order to get there you need to have a stable source of income.
16) if you study psychology , after writing a blog post you are accused of diagnosing your friends.
17) Your writing comes in the way of your assignments. You always think you will write your stuff the whole semester but still finish your assignments.
18) People hating on your guest bloggers because their style is different from yours.
19) Being added to a Whats App group full of creatives who do not sleep so you wake up to 4500 messages.
20) The best of stories come when you are occupied by other stuff and disappear the just before you wind up with whatever it is you were doing.
21)Plagiarism When you notice a website with a horrible name is busy showcasing your work and the only consolation you have for yourself is that only good art is stolen.
22) When someone rants about your blog having slowed down yet you are nursing writers block.
23) When you are in the middle of writing an interesting story and KPLC becomes your mess and you lose your interesting story.
24) People telling you to publish yet you will see them online asking for free PDF copies of Chimamanda’s books.
25) Wondering how to categorize your blog because it is eclectic. You have no specific thing that you talk about.
26) Enjoying the mix of things you do in life because it’s amazing.
STAY TUNED FOR A PHOTO ONLY POST ON THE SAME
I do not own any rights for the photo used in this blog. to view the original click here
i say things . Many weird things. I do weird things. i have a friend who calls me The Crazy psychologist( sounds like a series or a book title) courtesy of my weird deeds and actions. it is not new to those who have known me since my childhood.
There was this one time when i was in class 5 a boy who really liked me and promised me the stars( coming to think of it, that was funny) sent me a love letter. i can’t remember the exact words but it read something like.
Dear baby girl ( that line by itself brought grief)
i love watching the stars and when i see them i see you
i want to love you
to be with you…
The rest i don’t remember
This is even better English. The next sentence will explain why.
When i read the letter i corrected his English on almost every line.
Not as if mine was in ranks with the queen. It still not is . I have typos at times.
On giving him the corrected version, which was my response that was intentionally done to make him feel worse he hated me more than he loved me in fact he cooked a lie just to land me in trouble.
Once a teacher in primary still asked why do most of you look out of the window and do your own things during class?
I raise my hand and what i really wanted to say was
” if the class was more of a discussion than a lecture it would more lively but i ended up saying.
”You have such a squeaky voice it seems like a lullaby”
She nearly cried- i promise you it’s not a lie.
She tells me to call my father
When she comes she has only has one thing to say
”Kindly speak to your daughter?”
You do not want to hear the speech i was given.
Recently in a matatu the conductor came along collecting his money.
when he reaches to Lorraine she opens her mouth to say … utalipa ?
He looks at me smiles and says – hiyo haitawezekana.
Then i say something like
”ooh unasema fare?”
pretending i have finally understood yet i know what was going on i dive deep into my pockets to fish out cash.
Everybody in the matatu laughed. They had their therapy for the day was done.
I recently took a break from walking in the courts, sharing my opinion, life, talents in these courts and seeing verdicts being passed in line with the opinion laws. Others have been sentenced and some have been freed. But the tragedy in all this is that most of those who visit these courts are mentally held. They cannot think instead they are subject to the laws of opinion.
If as of now you cannot link my topic with my words you either are among the few who have never stepped foot in these courts or you are still enslaved. If the latter is you I urge you to break the chains of –MENTAL SLAVERY). Moreover there could be a need for you to sit down and think about it critically.
I despise the fact that social media sounds a bit like school. ARE WE REALLY IMPARTING EDUCATION OR IGNORANCE?Over the years there have been debates that school teaches us what to think and not how to think which is true. Grounds of innovation are being poisoned through the effects of school.
I logged off all my social media accounts for at least five days on the close of November to the beginning of December 2016. During this time I felt that I had acquired back my human nature. I am not the one easily influenced by people’s opinions because I have a mind of my own -I can think. What I mean is that I was able to get in touch with people more than when my accounts were online.
On logging back in everyone wants a like and a comment under their post. Some even bashed for the fact that I was offline as if social media determines life.
Then I see posts like while you were away… Sincerely speaking must I wait for Thursday to post a memory of a season in my life that passed ages ago on the norm of T $ Cs apply? I am not saying there is anything wrong with that but society has determined who we are to the point that we forget ourselves. We have ruined our marriages, friendships and family because naysayers will always say Nay and we will follow them blindly.
Allow me to say that some people’s lives on social media is a lie. But some of you believe their very strategic an organized lies that we believe that is who they really are.
I do not just accept all friend requests and you find that people will always want to crucify me for this. I do not always like every pic and comment under every post because entertaining evil online is entertaining evil in real life. Encouraging a lie is just like living a lie.
Some will ask …Then why are you still using social media networks and I will say as for Lorraine she will still do the right thing and even on that platform. She will encourage someone to be better but will not force her values down anyone’s throat. Most of all she will not wear your labels. Lorraine will also be publishing soon but she cannot afford what the media demands since they are also spoilers at times. However she will use her space widely to give to the society what she can.
Therefore pick your gavels if you will, pass your verdict but I will not be sentenced.
Lets take a sneak pic and move into your lives a bit
Person A: Hi could I please ask you a question?
Person B : Uliza haraka ama unyamaze
The response from person B takes one back you would not continue with your communication.
Person B lacks the communication skills of tolerance and friendliness.
Person B should have said something like yeah sure Go ahead and ask.
This also happens much in some professionals like catering where you say hi to a waitress and they respond
“Chukua chakula yako ”
Take for instance you are talking to someone. What do you notice as you speak or as they speak to you?
If a person’s eyes seem to be saying
“Can you finish up what you are saying”
Would you prompt further?
Do you shrug shoulders, roll your eyes or use facial expressions that seem to say
when one is speaking to you?
If this is you- you need to learn to communicate using essential non – verbal skills.
Imagine a scenario when one is talking with no full stop.
They want to talk and give only themselves a chance to talk.
Concision is key and this takes me to my next dialogue
Person A: Do you know the president of America?
Person B: It’s really hot today
Person A: Did you hear what I asked?
Person B: Yes, yes,yes I will be going to the movies tomorrow.
The most important but least used.
Another part of speech that conveys you are not listening is interruption.
Person A: Do you know there is a way in which …
Person B: Najua kile unataka kusema wacha uongo
With all this observations in our society does this mean we need to start teaching adults communication skills from scratch?
Do we need teaching in our workplaces and colleges every now and then about communication skill
Where will we start because we cannot force it down people’s throats?
How will it be done?
I speak of adults because you train a child and they will learn but how an adult?